When You No Longer Want to Hide the Mess

6 months. That is how long it’s been since I’ve touched this blog. I haven’t even logged in. I’ve avoided it like the plague. You guys, I fell into a funk. Like the kind where disassociation from anything and everyone just seems easier. When I started this blog a year ago, I promised myself I wouldn’t let it become a chore, a burden or anything negative because it was supposed to be my outlet. It was to be that thing that refreshed me, brought me joy and gave me something to look forward to. When I was in my funk, the last thing I wanted to do was type up a fun little post and send it out to the “world”. From the beginning I was adamant I would be honest, real and not share just the beauty but the mess too. Well that was easier said than done. And I chickened out.

Until a few days ago. I couldn’t even remember the last post I had written, or even what it looked like. I logged on and saw that my last post was on my husband’s birthday in MAY! Besides the shock of realizing it had been over 6 months, something else grabbed my attention.

My very own subtitle. Under “The Beauty and the Mess” I chose to add: GLORIFYING GOD IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES. Cue punch in the gut. I had no idea when I started this blog almost a year ago, that God would be using it in a way I never would have imagined to teach me more about Him.

Nothing prepares you for loss. Of any kind. When you experience it, then you begin trying to navigate through. It wasn’t until we experienced the loss of our sweet baby (I’ll have to write a post about that some other time) that I realized how quick I am to glorify God when things are going just the way we would like, but lacking in glorifying God in the difficult times.

I was at my two week post-op appointment last Friday, and I was waiting for the doctor to come in my room. I was killing time on my phone when I heard the Doppler in the next room pick up a very loud, very strong heart beat. I smiled and thought, “that is the best sound in the world!” And then it hit me. Like knocked the wind out of me hit me that I would never get to hear my baby’s heartbeat. It was a pain I can’t even describe. The doctor walked in as tears were streaming down my cheeks and he asked if I was okay. Through my tears I told him about hearing the baby’s heartbeat through the wall, and he awkwardly apologized for the paper thin walls.

In that moment of intense hurt and loss, God reminded me of the text my friend, Rochelle, had sent me that morning. This is what it said: “Just got done praying for you – that God’s peace will rule in your heart!”

Philippians 4:4-7 says, “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!. Let your gentleness be evident to all, the Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” 

Claiming God’s truth is healing. I am so grateful for people in my life who remind me of God’s goodness, and it makes me want to shout God’s goodness from the rooftops. Because He is good. In ALL circumstances. And because of that, I’m back. Using my little corner of the internet, to possibly be an encouragement to others. I want to be a testimony of God’s goodness, and rejoice, in every situation.

xo

Debi

 

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3 Comments

  1. Love you, Debi! Just stumbled across your blog; it is wonderful! Thank you for your transparency and allowing God to use your pain as a platform for His purpose. Miss you and am praying for you and your sweet family!

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